Hi I'm Margo - just joined the forum.

I am having a hard time in grad school so far. It's just my first year. I feel like I am too sensitive for this. Professors are socially awkward and I have a hard time dealing with that. I am normally friendly and outgoing. When I act like myself, I feel as though they think I am flighty. I stand out because my department is a bit dull and drab. But I don't feel myself acting too business-like. It's just not me. I am having a really difficult time relating to other graduate students in my department - but mostly i'm having a difficult time talking with professors. They always seem so busy, for one. Also, the feedback I have received on course papers so far have been nothing but negative. I am used to constructive feedback but there is no positivity at all. And the emails, oh the emails. If I email a professor it is rare that they email me back. If they do it is after several weeks and is at best 3 lines long.

I worked "in the real world" prior to coming to graduate school and now feel as if I have entered an alternate universe. It is bringing me down. I feel a bit depressed for the first time in my life. I didnt' realize it would be this way in grad school and wonder if it is just my program (i'm in the humanities) or whether this is more universal.

Any advice would really help me out.
Thank you,
M.

Nah, you are not alone AT ALL!!!

I am terribly sensitive too. I am okay with the feedback on papers now - i'm used to that being negative. The trouble for me is when professors write very short emails. Espeically when I know the professor pretty well and feel like we are beyond the awkward bit. It seems like jus twhen i think that... blammo, another weird email that leaves my brain spinning for a week.

Hey - interesting topic & one close to my heart. I wanted to let you know that I read everything and will reply soon - it's been such a day that I can't even be coherent right now....

Hi Margo. So I read your message through a few times. Your experience sounds a lot like mine was - you are not alone at all in these feelings, as zowie said.

Professors ARE socially awkward - you're absolutely correct! By phrasing it this way, it shows that you see the problem lies with them, and their social skills, not with you. However, you're worried what they think, and I see why (because your future is in their hands). It is perfectly fine to be worried what they think, but don't act on this worry by changing who you are.

My cousin told me that if you try more to be yourself, then the only doors that will close to you - could be people who don't like you, opportunities they didn't consider you for - will, when you think about it, be the right doors to have close. Meaning, you would not have wanted to work with that person anyway, if they don't appreciate who you really are. Now, we all act certain roles the way we think we should, but not being dull is the last thing you should cover up! The world needs non-dullards badly.

Professors don't seem to use email the same way that students do - it is a piled-ten-foot-deep annoyance to them, no matter what they think of the people behind the messages in their inbox. I think they just get too many & get burnt out. If you ever feel like you're not connecting enough or need to really get some questions answered, don't spend too much energy on the emails and instead make an appointment to see them. Your face may be worth a thousand words, and they may help you. Don't be discouraged if they're as cold and lifeless in person as they are by email - just be polite and pleasant, move on, and keep trying to find that person with the spark.

Consider this anecdotal advice - whenever I felt down and sad for more than 2 weeks without letting up, I would go on an antidepressant. But if you do this, be wary of side effects, and also don't stop just because you feel better, if you choose to go this route. All the grad students I know have to take them, there's no shame. Grad school is drab, repetitive, and at times miserable and demoralizing. It did not live up to my expectations of collegiality. Also I got sucked into these dramatic spirals of gossip, conflict, and stupidity... the more time spent on campus, the worse these things were. But if you get the degree, that's "what you came for" (but don't read that book "getting what you came for", I didn't find it helpful Think about yourself with the degree, and how you'll have options after you have it.

I think the problems you're seeing aren't confined to the humanities.

I wanted to quit many many times, but what I told myself is this - I can feel all the emotions that someone who quit would feel - the sadness, disappointment, isolation, fear, anxiety, guilt, sleeplessness, even hatred of certain people or situations, or overall hatred of the program. And I can feel these things 100% of what the parallel me who gave up would feel them. But the only difference is, I just don't take that definitive action of give up - all the rest is the same. I kept at it and by a series of miracles passed through all but the final defense, which is to come. I really truly did not like the program until I found my wonderful advisor, who passed away. But finding him, and seeing him die made me able to reach out to other professors, & see who would appreciate me for who I am.

I hope this helps. These are just the thoughts that came to mind as I thought about your post over the past few days.

Let us know how things are going. -LDC

thank you triny and ldc.

I suppose I simply feel let down on a personal level. I'm trying to restructure my thinking and do what you said, ldc, get what i came for. The trouble is, and this is what really annoys me, I can't even get emails and responses that will improve my work and help me get out of here with the degree. I'm over trying to have any sort of positive personal relationship with these professors. I thought that I would be able to have that, but now I see I can't. That's fine. That I can work around. (well good days and bad days). But I'm trying to make progress in my field and I just feel like i'm not respected. so, on a professional level, I'm not getting attention and when I do it is all negative and not very constructive. As professors, I wrongly thought the faculty would be interested in my work, and progress... even if they could give a damn about me as an individual.

thanks for your thoughts. I really do appreciate it. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone but at the same time troubled by the fact that this phenomenon is so widespread. do you think that there exist any programs that aren't like this??

margo

I feel the same way! I think I'm getting an ulcer over worrying about this, but I guess I'll just deal. I am VERY sensitive as well and I believe, more than anything, I am suffering from a wounded ego. I was pretty much a big fish in an EXTREMELY small pond during undergrad (I went to a very, very small school that is well known for turning out teachers, not grad students) and when my professors found out I was thinking about grad school, they worked so hard for me and got to know me very well. Now I'm here. In Hell, where no one gives a crap about me...oh, God, I think I need an antidepressant.... :?

Well i'm just glad I'm not the only one !!

I wonder why grad school has to be so miserable!

Have you found ANYONE who is nice working w/ chari?

Hey Margo!

Nice? Well, I would go so far as to say nice exactly...decent, I guess, would be a better way to describe my advisor. It certainly doesn't seem like she is extremely interested in my thesis topic judging by her scant and few and far between replies, but, I realize that this seems to be fairly common for grad school and communication is better than none at all. *sigh* It must be an unwritten rule that grad school is supposed to make you question your intelligence, self-worth, and all over purpose for living, I guess...sounds wonderful. Why did I do this again? :? [/i]