Hi everybody, I'm trying to figure out how common this experience is and how much I should be beating myself up over it.

I presented for my first time at a very large conference. Previously, I had only attended smaller conferences that were in a different field (my research is interdisciplinary), and they were all small, laid-back, and had very enthusiastic presentations of their research. Everybody was very supportive of the research being done. I didn't have any particular experience with the conference I would be presenting at but assumed it would be fairly similar. Instead, it was extremely formal and had the atmosphere of a massive "meat market" where people were essentially trying to one-up each other. Attending panels before my own talk only made me increasingly nervous as they were nothing like I was expecting.

I had been told that the conference was presenting papers, but people presented them in a variety of ways - some reading, some more conversational, some using powerpoints. So I prepared a paper, did an outline based on it, and presented off powerpoints using the outline to guide. I had gone over the presentation about 10 times before the conference and felt pretty confident about it.

This is research I have been conducting for over a year now, and I had already written up a very lengthy first draft of an article that I'm currently in the process of revising. So knowledge of the material was not an issue at all.

But during my presentation, I was extremely nervous, and having a lady snap at me at the very beginning that she couldn't hear me (the microphone quit working) only made me even more nervous. Not only that, but my sources were apparently mistaken because every panel I went to, everybody except one read papers. So I was one of the only ones who didn't straight read. I think, for a very first time presenter, I fumbled like a noob but the content was okay.

I was shaking and my mind kept blanking and it was altogether just a horrible experience. The entire speech is an absolute blur but I know I wound up being more summary than analytical. I got my points across, but not as concretely as I would have liked. The discussion afterwards allowed me to strengthen the weaker aspects. My panel enjoyed the presentation and we had a great discussion afterwards. Afterwards, everybody I talked to said that was actually the most important part - finding people to connect with in your own field.

Is this a standard first experience? I spent the entire night after the presentation guilt-tripping about how badly the presentation went, how it could've gone better, and the entire atmosphere of the confernece left a very bitter taste. My feelings are that I want to continue presenting, but stick to the smaller conferences that are more laid-back and welcoming.

All in all though, it just felt like a complete blow to my entire confidence in these things. Is this normal? Or did I just crash and burn?

Did this conference just occur? You may be being too hard on yourself! It doesn't sound like it went so badly! You got your points across and sounds like you had a nice panel discussion!

Are you sure it was really so bad?

By the way, I go to a lot of these style conferences where everyone is reading and being competitive all. I have to say that I HATE it when people just stand there and read. It's so boring. So. I think its good that you went for it.

In anycase, as students we're still learnign how to present and we should give ourselves a break for being nervous and all... even if noone else does!

It sounds as if 1) you are being too hard on yourself, and 2) this was a really horrible conference to have to expose yourself to.

I don't know if this is normal, but I try to avoid the type of conferences you describe. The whole process of one-upping is what I really hate about academia, and every time I see that sort of behavior, I just want to run screaming to a Starbucks to apply for a job.

Of course, you can't always avoid such high-pressure conferences -- every field has a must-go sort of conference that you need to expose yourself to -- but, in general, I think the whole point of conferences is to get feedback on your work. And if you are only going to get negative feedback from people who feel the need to build up their own egos by knocking yours down, what's the point?